Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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