if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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