Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
