Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
