90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
