I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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