I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
