I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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