Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
