I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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