I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
