I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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