Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
