Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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