I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
