remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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