Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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