Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
