i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
