Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Boobs are out for the taking
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
