dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize