They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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