I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
