I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
