The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize