I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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