she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I touched a dick in church today
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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