so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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