When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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