Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize