there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
