I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
