Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
