I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
