I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
