That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
