What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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