im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
