my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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