dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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