I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
