We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
