If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize