im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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