I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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