So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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