Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
