If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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