you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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