I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
