Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
