soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
