I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
