My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize