Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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