My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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