yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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