Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
