ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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