My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
