She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cut my penus on the lid.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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