I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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