I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize