you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
