How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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