Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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